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Tuesday, February 19th, 2008
9:21 am - I can't imagine
I can't imagine going back to my childhood and have to live through what I had to live through. The constant beatings, the yelling, the drugs, and the whereabouts of my brother. Last night I was reminded of his past when his girlfriend calls me up crying saying that he was threatening her again and himself. You think with two kids at home you wouldn't do stuff like that anymore. The fact is I'm afraid for him. I have complete faith in him and his ability to recover but I know his addictive personality and I'm afraid that one thing will snap him over the edge and that's it. You've always heard horror stories about someone going to get high again and that's it because that was their last time. I don't want that to happen to him. My brother is my hero. He showed me what not to do in my life and he is the strongest person I have ever met. To overcome what he has gone through, the become a man,a father and now a business owner amazes me.

I've never been able to full tell the story of what has happened in my life. The images are with me where ever I got and it's not something that I was to live with for the rest of my life. I think if I were able to talk about it, cry about it and fight about it then maybe it would be okay. But when people say things like it's in the past let's not talk about it anymore...shit like that hurts me. I want to talk about it because I haven't been able to talk about it my entire life.

Last night was a reminder of why I wanted to escape my life in connecticut so bad. I think the main reason I came to Nashville was to get away from it and forget about the things that happen in my past. But I just realized that I can't run away from it. I can't run away from things when they get bad and I get scared. I don't think Nashville has made me a bad, bitter person because of it, but I think it has made me grow up and realize things about certain people. Maybe people really don't change. I know one thing is for sure the people that want to surround your life will. The people that want to be in your life will be there. They won't make up excuses as to they didn't get your text message or not call you back when you in town for a weekend....no people who care about you will make the effort.

I just don't know anymore. I don't know where my life is going to take me. I know that I want to run home after I graduate but I also know that is me not wanting to stick it out down here. I just realized how much I have been missing and am going to miss by being this far away. I just don't know anymore.

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
10:53 pm - Real Quick
It's this simple.... Do I make you happy? And What is your meaning of life?

"It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all."


(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
11:42 pm - Love thinking
How can something so simple “I love you” be taken in so many ways? I mean in the reality people use the three words interchangeably everyday to express emotions to one another. Did we lose the value of those words? What happened to the meaning behind it? Granted I realize that there are those circumstances where you love your friends and you love your boyfriend, but both loves are different. Now does that love mean the same thing? I would think so. I would take a bullet for both, give a kidney to both, cry to both…but have sex with both…I think not.

For instance, how can people love someone so much even if they continue to get hurt from them again and again? I don’t understand why the bother. Is it the fear of not finding love again? I used to never be a believer in love. I never thought I could love someone that it hurts so badly inside when they hurt. I never thought I would want to see my boyfriend everyday and miss him when I haven’t heard from him in two hours. That leads to the question, does love blind anyone or me? I say it does. Sometimes you get so lost in it you don’t know where reality is in anymore. Whether it is a good thing or a bad thing that is for you to decide.

Love is a good thing. I know that some of us are afraid of the heartache but who isn’t. Just love and let people love you. Love everyone around you because you never know when that moment to say I love you passes. Love yourself. How can you expect anyone to love you if you cannot love yourself?

Love can change people. Some may argue that it changes people for worse, but some may argue that it’s for the better. I say that love has changed me. It has made me realize that not a day goes by when I’m not only thinking about myself, but what about my boyfriend as well? Every thought, prayer, wishes, job opportunity…is now made with him in mind. I guess that’s when you know you are in love…when you are willing to let that person be apart of you…when you are willing to let the person be your other half…when you let that person love you just as much. Love has made me grow up. It’s made me realize that it’s time to start being a woman and standing up for myself. It’s time to start growing up. Some may say that love has changed me into a person they hate and that they don’t even know anymore. Maybe the person you knew back then wasn’t the person I wanted to be for the rest of my life?

There are some things you just can’t bring yourself to love. Like the first boyfriend who ever cheated on you or broke your heart. Or a teacher giving you bad grade when you thought you did great. Or tornados because those things just come out of nowhere and are scary as hell. Or Boston cream pie…I just can’t stand it.

The feeling of love can be brought on my anything. A song comes on the radio that you remember dancing with your dad to at your wedding or the song you had your first kiss to. Or the song your girlfriends used to sing at the top of your lungs together. Or a picture that speaks to your heart. I know it’s not the same of a love from a partner, but it’s a feeling that last forever.

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Wednesday, September 5th, 2007
6:09 pm - Long time
I figured since Garth is back in the game then I should write something to get back in the game. I don't think that makes any sense. But anyways...

My dad is done with chemo. The doctors said it was doing more harm then good, so I guess that is a good sign. He meets with the doctors in another week to see if they got all the cancer done with. My mother is still smoking and on occasion my dad has been know to sneak a few cigs. I'm sorry but if I just had half a lung removed that wouldn't make me want to go back and smoke again. You think this would stop my mother too!

I had my ultrasound and everything turned out fine. Still aren't sure what is wrong with me. My doctor thinks that it might have to do with my rapid weight as to why I have been screwed up. None of these symptons started until I lost the weight. So we will see. They put me on a new prescription and we are going to see if this one works out. IT's rather expensive too so I hope it's worth the money.

School is almost done. I have one more semester after this and then I will be done. Hopefully everyone knock on wood while reading this. I am taking 6 classes this semester and trying to work about 30 hours at the same time. I am trying to pay off my credit card bill and then hopefully start saving some money so I don't have worry too much when I get out of school.

I got a new job. It has been good so far. I love the people I work with. The girls are so sweet and they really have embraced me with open arms and I love that. I currently hate one of my managers...whom if were to be seriously hurt tomorrow I would not shed a tear. I know that is cruel but it's the truth. He is just one of those guys that always has something to say and thinks he is God's gift to the world. Well he isn't and he sure doesn't know what he is talking about.

As for Jd and me...we couldn't be any better. We have been together for almost a year and it has been amazing. I mean there have been some rollar coaster rides but that happens in every relationship. If it hadn't happened in ours then I would seriously think there was something wrong with us. We just bought furniture for the apartment. IT took us three longs months to find something we liked, could afford, and could agree on. Now it's time to rearrange the apartment and paint some walls. I love color so I'm adding some to his bachelor's pad.

I think that if I make it through this next year without any bruises that I will be okay. Right now it's been a lot of work and no fun so I hope that it will eventually pay off in the long run.

You would all be happy to know that my main squeeze is back on the charts. The wonderful and very talented Mr. Garth Brooks. I found his house in Nashville which I'm pretty sure he is never there. Couldn't really see what it looked like, but looked pretty big. Saw his wife in concert twice and she was amazing. I attended the crossroads with Trisha and Babyface. It was pretty cool. I'm pretty sure the camera was right on me so you should check it out whenever that airs.

My brother had his first baby. It was a baby boy and they named him Jasician Gil Raposo. And I am happy to say that I am offically a Godmother. Oh this boy is going to so spoiled. I have yet to meet him and I can't wait to meet him in October when I go home! Eventhough it only will be for a couple of days. Sadly! Anyways, have to run to class. Love you guys!

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Friday, May 4th, 2007
3:37 pm - it's been a long time
As I was passing a school the other day I noticed a bunch of kids playing in the play ground. The girls were on the swings laughing...the boys in the sandbox...the few who had nothing to do and the lone was staring at the road holding their tiny grip against the frence. I began to wonder what type of world they are going to grow up in? I began to wonder which kid was being bullied on that play ground at that moment I happened to drive by? I wondered if the teachers would do anything. I wondered which kid would be the outcast, the jock, the popular one, the cheerleader, the nerds, and the ones that floated every where. I imagined a world they could grow up in without knowing or fearing for their life when they enter a school building. But then I realized it's just not possible.

Everyone is in shock and will forever mourn for the families and the lives lost at Virgina Tech. But I cannot begin to imagine the pain and anguish that they had to indure hiding in their rooms or classrooms. I fear for the lives of those children growing up a world where this happens. I wonder if they will ever be safe.

I think to my own life and how I encountered some experiences of my own...some which known of you couldn't even imagine. And I'm not about to give you my sob story. But I was hoping that maybe we could stop worrying about what tomorrow could bring, because afterall we don't really know if it going to happen. Those kids went to school that day just like every other day and some of them won't be going back again. To think the one thing I am worrying about is next week when in reality I don't know if it will even come. Some times it takes a little innocence of children laughing and playing with one another to realize that life is a gift. A gift everyone should cherish and hold onto and live everyday like tomorrow won't really come.

Your life is what you make of it. The choices you make day in and out are the consquences you make for yourself. Love with all of your heart...even if hurts. Laugh as much as possible. Without laughter...life is just boring. Most of all...don't be afraid to live.

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Monday, April 23rd, 2007
12:24 pm - i don't want to do my homework

The Last Survey
Last person you huggedJd
Last car rideOn the way back from Chili\'s yesturday
Last time you criedThe other day when watching a movie
Last movie you watchedFriday Night Lights
Last food you ateLeftovers from Crackle Barrel
Last item you boughtA dress!
Last shirt you woreA black tank top
Last phone callMy momma called
Last text messageKhara asking me if I could work for her
Last kissMy husband
Last thing you touchedremote
Last funeralTony\'s wife\'s
Last trip to the mallshopping for the cmt\'s with joi
Last time you were excited for somethingit\'s been a while
Last person you sawJd
Last thing you drankdr. thunder...i\'m poor shut up!
Last person that broke your heartChris Cagle...when he said he didn\'t want to marry me
Last time you were happyI\'m happy everyday...for the most part
Last plane rideIn March on my way back home...
Last dreamI don\'t remember...it was just that good
Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com


(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Tuesday, April 10th, 2007
5:17 pm - So me...
Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner.
Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare.
You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie.
Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you.
For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

(1 Friends in Low Place | Callin' Baton Rouge)

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007
10:50 pm - Good times
It's amazing just when you think the world around you is crashing...a few drinks with a good friend can cure just about anything. I haven't been able to go out and enjoy myself in a while. I didn't care about the price of the food or what on earth I was drinking..it was just good eating...good drinks and great conversation. Sometimes you just need to chill and relax and lately I have been so stressed...between work and school. After my stupid two test today I needed a drink. I am just so done with school. I haven't heard back from that job yet so I don't know what to do for this summer. I know that this job is probably the only opportunity I am going to get and it's the best opportunity I could ever ask for. It's exactly what I have always wanted. I knew things were just too good to be true. I guess I'll just have to keep praying and work my butt off to make my big dream come true.

The big 6 months is coming up. I can't believe that it has only been 6 months. Gosh it's been amazing. I can't wait for the next 6 months...6 years...and such. We picked another place to have our wedding. I think it's going to be in Nashville. I have always dreamed about the big wedding in a beautiful garden with all my friends and family there. I know it's not possible to have all of them but maybe some of them will come. I think we might settle on this one though. I know I know we aren't engaged yet and believe me we would be if rings weren't so expensive. Especially cause I have expensive taste.

I'm having a girl day on Thursday. I don't have class so I am treating myself to a hair cut, and some nails treatment. Maybe I will get a new outfit for the big day on Tuesday. I've been in weird moods lately. Happy one second and then sad the next...so sorry for all the depressing poetry and stuff. Right now Im just missing home and my baby!

(2 Friends in Low Places | Callin' Baton Rouge)

Friday, March 30th, 2007
3:25 pm - Today
Today and Tomorrow

These days
I don’t know why there isn’t a smile on my face.
I got through the emotions
Of every day life.
Work, school, and no play.
I try and love
Like there is no tomorrow.
I give all that I can give
But sometimes at the end of the day
I have nothing left
To say or do or want.
I can only pray
That the dark days are behind me
And many roads left untraveled.
I’m numb and emotionless
Trying to find my happy place.
I wonder if I will ever look in the mirror
And see someone that is beautiful,
To see a face and a body that I can love.
I’m amazed that someone could love me
Even though it’s hard to love myself.
Sometimes these tears overcome me,
And it’s hard to breathe and stop shaking.
But then I look up at the sky
So blue and calm
And it takes me to a place where
There’s no cancer, no fights, no heartaches
But only unconditional love.
But most of all it’s filled with laughter
And celebration of the ones we love.

By: Ashley

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Friday, February 9th, 2007
12:43 pm - Things are crazy
When you think about life and death you really never think it would ever happen to you or someone that you know. The truth is in the reality of it. You never know when you're time is up. I was listening to a Billy Joel song called, "Only the good die young." And it made me think of how true that song really is. Anna Nichol Smith died and though people don't really care about her that much we have to realize the significance of her age...she was only 39 years old. She just had a daughter and her son was killed only a couple of months ago. My friend, Grace, then made a blog about marrying for money instead of love. My parents always told me to marry for money first and love second. I wonder if that is what Anna did. Regardless, she had a lot of money from a man she claimed to love. All the fame, all the money didn't really matter because at the end of the day she wasn't happy. Money can buy you all these materialistic things but it can't buy you love or happiness. I try not to worry about money too much because it's just a materialistic thing. I'm a simple girl. For one valentines day one year, I got a keychain with my name on it from a different state and I was thrilled because it was the thought process behind it. He didn't spend alot of money on it but he knew it would make me happy. The little things can make someone so much better. A note left in there make up bag that just says "smile, i love you." Does it get the same point across as diamonds? Of course, even a better one because it's from the heart.

I think we all think about what is going to happen tomorrow instead of focusing on today. Why think about what is going to happen tomorrow if we don't even know if tomorrow is going to happen? That's why I never want to go to bed mad because if I don't wake up in the morning, I don't want the last memory of me is being mad. Sometimes with all the stress in the world and the world that surrounds you some people forget about the important things. Really people there is a bigger world than just the one that surrounds you.

It's easy for me to put on a smile and go on my merry way. But when I lie awake at night and think about my life this past month, I haven't been happy with the way it has been going. I am just completly frustrated with everything and everyone. I guess I just figure by shuting myself down that things would just getting better. Life is stressful and I realize that. I guess I am just learning to cope with that. Everyone's life doesn't revolve around me and I realize that. But then I realized that the people who should know me best should know when something is wrong. I have a man that loves me, great friends who care about me, I'm living in the city that I love...what more can a girl ask for?

I have never been good at expressing my feelings. I just bottle them up inside until I can't take it anymore and then I explode. I'm trying to express my feelings more. Hell, I've cried more this past month than I have in my entire life. I don't think I can handle any more tears, fights, stupid comments, stupid people or another F on a test. I just want the tears and the fights to go away. I can handle the stupid comments, but I'm kinda sick of being walked all over. I'm not going to just sit there and take it anymore...just to let you know.

current mood: contemplative

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
10:24 am - The difference between men and women
How is it that women can hold onto grudges longer than men can? I came to this conclusion while I was watching my new favorite TV show SATC and wondered how two men can be friends after the same girl slept with both of them while dating one of them. Does that make sense? In essence the girl cheating on with one guy with the other guy and then wanted them to be friends. Honey, seriously...be friends?? I sat there and thought of if I had someone cheat on me with someone and then them having the nerve to ask me to be friends with them. Not only be friends but invite them over to my house, stay the night, and then have dinner with me again. I'm sorry but no. There is no way in hell I would be able to do that. I would have to be in jail for that (insert bad word here) to come to my house and be friends with me. Just not going to happen.

It made me think about the difference between men and women. I looked back on my past and wondered about the grudges that I have held. What is with that past and it affecting the future? Why must we clinge onto the past like it's some kind of drug? Women and men always do that. We compare our current relationships to last ones. Especially if that last one didn't end so hot...people become afraid and then everything you do in that relationship is judged. I realize that the past makes us who we are today, but why clinge onto it for so long? If we learn from our mistakes...how come we just can't move on?

The truth is in the past I've dealt with liars, cheaters, heart breakers, and just plain stupid men and all of that haunts me in my current relationship. How can someone be so perfect? How can we really have the perfect love? I've had a relationship like this before. I put on my blinders and went with the flow. I thought everything was perfect...until the day he stopped calling me and then a week later I see him at the movies with a friend of mine. The pain realities of a first love. The ones we will never forget. I came to the conclusion as to why I can't be friends with this first love. I realized (and I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings) that if two people can be friends after having an intimate relationship then they are still in love or were never in love to begin with.

As I sit here I wonder what makes us so crazy about being in love to begin with? I mean we go through our whole lives just searching for "the one" to spend the rest of our lives with. Maybe this is only because I am a woman and that is why I think that. Love is something that drives people crazy. People will do some seriously stupid things when they are in love. I know that I am in love and I'm the crazy girl in love. I've become a girl that I used to hate. When I used to see two people kissing in a booth sitting right next to each other instead of across the table like normal people...I used to stay rude comments like "gross" and "get a room" or "you people make me sick." I realized that I used to make fun of my friends that would spend every waking hour with their boyfriend and now I'm always with him. I don't know how to explain it. How can a man can make me become a girl that I never wanted to be?

I've never in my life talked about marriage before without freaking out. I even said when my friend Katie got married this summer that I don't know how should could do it...get married already. I guess at that point I hadn't met the right guy. Because now...8 months later I am hopelessly in love and shopping for rings. This comes to surprise by a lot of people. Ashley, the committment phobe is actually thinking about settling down?? I know I know what some of you may be saying. Actually I know what many of your opinions are on the matter. If man can make a woman feel so good, then why let it go? I know, I'm young and have my whole career a head of me. I used to just think of my career and screw love. For the first time I want someone to challenge my career with me. When I am working for a label making 7 bucks an hour...I want to come home and complain to him. But just because we are looking at rings...does not mean to stop trying the relationship. As a woman, we need a constant reminder of how much you love us, appreciate us, and how sexy you think we are. We need the flowers, the door opened, and candles every now and then. Sometimes I hate that about people. They realize they've got the other person so they just stop putting effort into. WRONG PEOPLE!

Mind you all of this was spinning around in my little head last night as I was lying the arms of the man I love. I was curled up, resting my head on his shoulders, watching him sleep and all of these things were flying around in my head. I realized at how much I do love him and how could I ever think that a man that loves me as much as he does would ever think about leaving me. I realized then too that from day one we have done everything wrong in the relationship. You know, those stupid dating games. If a man asks you out on a wednesday to go out with him on a friday...you should say you are busy even if you have nothing else to do. Men like the chase and women definitly like to be chased. But with him I through everything out of the window, put my heart out there and pray every night that he won't break it. I stayed over on the third night...nothing happened but we stayed up till 5 in the morning just talking. He said I love you by day 7 and we were talking marriage by day 14. When people said that when you meet the right person...you just know. Well, they weren't kidding.

So I am trying to become a woman whom lets go of the past and pray that is doesn't hurt the future. I am trying to become a woman none the less. The tshirts and jeans were fine for going to school and hanging out with my friends, but in a year I have to get into the real world. I have to go to award shows and number parties hopefully. I guess I have changed, but I didn't think that I have changed for the worse. I thought I was growing up and it's different when people don't grow up with you. I don't want to lose any of my friends because I am dating someone. Yea so I act like the stupid girl...then tell me. If any one of my friends were in love, I would be so happy for them.

In essence it was a restless night. I think I got up about three times to just walk around. But I don't know anymore. I'm just a girl with some grudges, who holds onto the past, who is in love and has become the girl she has always hated, who is trying to grow up and get a life and become a woman, and who loves SATC and loves her friends to death.

current mood: creative

(1 Friends in Low Place | Callin' Baton Rouge)

Thursday, January 25th, 2007
12:55 am - Okay
So I write on this thing and then I forget why I write things and then I get random comments a month later. Anyways, regardless...I think the drama is gone now. Well except for at work, but that's a whole different story. This semester pretty much sucks. I am taking all business classes so they are so boring. It is so hard to stay awake. Christmas break was awesome. I spent some quality time with my family. I think I spent more time with my family this time when I went home then I have ever had. It's tough now because I never know when I can see them so I want to spend all the time in the world with them. Got some not so good news when I was home about my dad but we are still trying to see what is going to happen with that. My new nephew AJ was born on the 29th of December. He is so cute. Nicholas is adorable. Found out that my other brother Jason is expecting a child which he is all excited about. My boyfriend, JD, met the family for the first time and they loved him. I felt so bad because he had to meet alot of people in such a short time. Hopefully there will be more visits to come with him and the family. Looks like I am probably going home for spring break. Yay! I can't wait. Well, that's pretty much it. Oh yea my brother Jason opened up his barber shop. The pictures look amazing...can't wait to go see it. Oh yea found out the predators practices are open to the public....this my friends should not have been known to me! I'm off to bed...until next time guys.

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Thursday, December 14th, 2006
12:45 pm - Disappointment
I don't get disappointed very easily but lately it seems that one person is always disappointing me. There comes a time when enough is enough. The last thing I need on my agenda is to deal with drama. Drama that is not even needed in the first place. I can't wait to go home to escape this drama. I can't wait to go home and not have to deal with this one person. Hopefully the space with replace the hurt this person has given me and if it doesn't....I just don't know what to do anymore.

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Monday, November 27th, 2006
1:09 am - Breaking down....
I have to say that this was the first big holiday that I was away from my family and it was okay. I am happy that JD invited me along so I had some where to go and that his family took me in with open arms for the holiday as well. My break really wasn't a break. I worked a lot and aside from friday night when JD took me out to dinner...that was the only time I saw him when we were not sleeping. My birthday was good. I had an awesome day with JD's mom...shopping! What more could a girl want? I got a lot of phone calls and text messages which made me feel loved.

I don't really know the point of this but I figured I need to make myself so exhausted that I actually fall a sleep. Joi better give me back my Michael Buble cd!!! I'm trying to resist the urge of eating this chocolate but it's just so good.

Oh I have to say I got THE best birthday present ever....A cheesecake from NYC on my door step. How amazing is that? I haven't had a piece yet either! Definitly need some ASAP.

Yes I know people it's not on my points. See when people remind me everyday of those points...you realize why I am so self conscience about the way I look.

end rant

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Tuesday, November 7th, 2006
8:08 pm - Here is what I am thinking
I am thinking that the next time I am going to go home it is going to be really weird not to have my uncle there. I remember the last time I saw him which was in August and he was full of laughter and doing well. It's just going to be weird not to see him or here his laughter. It's weird that I really couldnt say goodbye and that I couldn't be there for the funeral. This make me realize something about the choices that I have made. I realized that I live in Nashville now and I am going to miss these sorts of things back home. My dad always said, "What if something happens and you're so far away?" I never really thought anything would happen. It never dawned on me to realize that all of these family functions that I would always go do...I won't be able to attend anymore. Something else struck me...my new nephew is going to be born when I go home for Christmas break and I am glad I will get to spend a short time with him, but when will the next time be when I see him? That's the thing...I don't know. By that time he will be so big. I am going to miss out on his talking, and crawling and the effects it will have on the whole family. I feel like since I am so far away I'm going to miss out on everything. That scares me the most. I am huge on family and to think that I won't be a part of it hurts. I don't know. I have just been thinking about that a lot lately. People have been saying that I need to talk about it and this is the best way I know how. My dad's loss of his brother is what also scares me. He called me the other day and said, "I just can't believe he is gone." Then he started talking about how life is too short and how he wanted to spend more time with the family. My dad never talks like that. I really want to go home. When I go home in December it will be 5 months since I have been home! That's a long time. I just don't know anymore...

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
9:03 pm - In class...
I love laptops because you can bring them to class and not pay attention at all. I have so much homework and stuff to do this weekend and no time to do it. Anyways, I'm really tired and have been in a funk all day. I need a pick me up...where is Mr. Coors Light when you need him???

Leave love...

current mood: blah

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

12:53 am - Life comes at your fast...
Life sometimes comes at you fast. It is your typical day…you wake up, check your various email accounts and go on with your day-to-day routine. Then one day something unexpected happens and messes up your routine and you don’t know what to do with yourself.

I feel like life is taking control of me. I’m running around in circles and not appreciating everything the good Lord has given to me…us. I take my life for granted. I drive past homeless people everyday and don’t stop and think of what they did to get to where they are. You never know what can happen.

I think back to the last time my entire family was together…at our annual pig roast. I think to how next year we will be missing one less person. I can picture his smile and his laugh like it was yesterday when I last saw him. I feel lost not knowing if it is okay to grieve when no one around me is grieving. If I were at home, then it would be okay because everyone around me would help me through it. This is a time when I would shut out the world and let myself cry for days. But my friends won’t let me do that.

I went to church tonight for the first time down here. It’s not that I am making up for lost time with me and the man upstairs, but I guess I just felt that if I went to mass then maybe I would be doing the same thing my family was doing. They in essence were grieving at the same time I was in mass. To call my dad and talk to my family members meant a lot. It made me miss my crazy family. It really made me want to go home.

Life comes at you fast. You never know what can happen. I never thought I would ever find a love like I have with JD. For the first time in my life I’m not running the other way. I have no doubts in my mind about this relationship. I have no doubts that since the moment I met him I feel like I came alive. When I’m with him I really don’t have a care in the world. It’s crazy how to think a few months ago I wasn’t even thinking about getting married or falling in love and then I got the nerves to ask him out and now look. I hope that I can be the woman that he is looking for. I hope to have him everyday look at me and say “wow” and how is the luckiest guy in the world. Everyday he continues to amaze me.

I think the Dierk’s Bentley song is true…when you find the one you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with…you want to start the rest of your life right now. If the rest of my life feels this good when I am with him then I am going to be the happiest girl in the world.

I have more to write but I am just too tired to continue…so to be continued…

current mood: cranky

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
11:15 pm - Blue skies make me happy
So I couldn't pay attention in my publishing class and I have been in this really weird moods lately. Just wanting to take photos of the blue skies and butterflies. Just enjoying life's little pleasures. So instead of paying attention in class I just wrote whatever came to mind. Oh yes this has to do with no one is particular...just things that came to mind that's all.

Happiness is misconception
A road less traveled
down a windy road,
to a smile that brightens someone's day.
Blue skies, flowers bloomed to
the sound of children's laughter.
What makes you happy?
To be truely content
To love without reasoning
To be loved without reasoning.
I gave you something
But for some reason you took it away.
The past I cannot change,
A lesson to be learned.
An open book that never ends,
where each chapter builds on the past.
To feel cheated
In life and in love.
Three words can mean the world to someone,
maybe even make them truely happy.
No matter how many miles
I can feel you with me,
Taste your kiss
Yearn for your touch.
I did something wrong, apparently.
"I've put up with your bullshit for way to long."
Maybe I'm being a little selfish
In doing something for myself.
I'm forgetting the past,
ignoring the future,
living today for today.
Happiness is misconception.

Then I started writing something else.

"Happiness shouldn't be what I want,
Happiness should be what I have.
But in truth no one can truely be happy without materalistic things.
Without a beat, a melody, and a lyric that drives you."

And then I wrote some more and kinda about someone but not really.

I've cheated myself for way to long
Settle for one after another,
When I knew I deserved more.
I search for this faceless person,
Instead I've lied to myself over and over again.
Pretending that it was you.
I feel like I've accomplished nothing...
loved no one and hurt myself all along.
I love meeting new people
learning for them each day.
Today, I woke myself up
noticing that I wasn't truely happy
with someone and myself.
I told myself that I was
Because I thought I could make him a better man,
Boy was I wrong.
Who knows if he even "swings this way"
I knew the moment we met that we weren't right for eachother
I try and convince myself time and time again
Not just him, but everyone else in my past.
Some times I wish for a rewind buttong
So I could relive some of those choices I've made
I realized that I've lied through too many relationships
"I told you I'd love you forever
But baby, I lied."

Tomorrow should be good...maybe more writing if all my work gets done.

current mood: artistic

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
2:55 pm - Change
Sometimes changes in your life are a good thing. Sometimes they aren't. I came back to Nashville with one goal in mind...to make a living in the music industry. It's not so much about getting drunk or finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. I have never been like that. I always put my career first and love second. Afterall, that is what marriage is...it last forever so why shouldn't it take forever to find the one?

I find myself torn between two worlds. The world I left at home and the new world I am creating down here. On one hand I have the safety net that I call home where I know everyone and don't hardly get that lost when I am driving. I have my parents house to go home too and a cat that I miss very much. I have my school life that is filled with getting lost, crazy sitings, work and more work.

I find myself being a little selfish. It's not that I was the person who left everyone in the dust back home. I didn't mean to cause anyone to pain or cry that I was leaving. I needed to follow my dreams. I needed to pick up my bags and do something for myself. I can't help it if that is selfish but sometimes you have to do things that make you happy. If I'm not happy then I will do something to change it.

I always have tried to put my friends first. I always try to lend a helping hand. My thoughts are you treat people how you want to be treated. If you need me to help you with something then I will help you, but I expect the same thing in return. That's how life goes. I try and please everyone. Even if I don't like them...I please them anyway.

I have a hard time of telling people my true feelings. I have a hard time of rushing into things and not thinking them through. I have a hard time falling in love. I've been hurt in the past. Everytime I say okay enough is enough just let yourself go...something happens. Something like someone getting their ex girlfriend pregnant. Yea that was a fun experience.

I've learned many things about myself. I've learned that to be loved you have to give love. I'm trying to do that. I am trying to love that person that I am. I have learned that if I put my mind to something then I can do it...I just have to do it.

I looked in the mirror at the beginning of the summer and hated the person that was looking back at me. So I tried to change things. I went on a diet and lost a few pounds. Now I am trying to change from the inside out. I want to express my feelings more. If I'm mad at someone I want to be able to tell them without the fear of fighting. I want to be able to tell someone I like them without the fear of rejection. I want to be honest. Not only with myself but with you also. I want to be driven and make these big dreams I have come true. Afterall, there were many tears and hard nights I have had to go through to get this done.

I love my life right now. I'm in a city I love and going to my dream school. I have my family and friends support back home. Even though we are miles apart I always know that they are a phone call away and will help me if I need help. I always will have them with me where ever I go. If it weren't for them I wouldn't be the person I am today. I want to experience life. Instead of the days going by so fast I am going to try and live them.

I don't really know what the road ahead is going to take me, but I know that God has a plan for everyone and I hope He will show me the route He wants me to take. For now I just go about doing the things I do best. Talking on the phone, doing homework and missing Garth Brooks everytime he is in Nashville.

I just needed to vent a little. I hope this makes some sense.


current mood: creative

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
11:26 pm - first week
First day of classes start tomorrow and I'm not excited for it. I am excited to be back in Nashville and hang out with people, but why do I have to go to class? It's so stupid. Anyways, just wanted to say that. Oh we made our first dinner in our apartment and it was really good if I must say. So yea that's it. If anything exciting happens I will let you guys know. Hope everyone is good.

(Callin' Baton Rouge)

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